ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
