I would go down on you faster than GM stock
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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