Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
