I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
