I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
