me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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