Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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