:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
