I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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