i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
two words: eviction party
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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