no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
