Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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