No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
smell my finger.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
