Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
