hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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