You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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