glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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