I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
