just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
