it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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