CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
