My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
