Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
