Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
