Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
