im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
