i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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