fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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