I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
