My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
