she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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