Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
