I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
