I could make wine with my vomit
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
