i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
this boner is exhausting
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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