a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
