I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
