and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Still dying that you shit outside
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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