i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
