I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
