Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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