the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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