she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
