I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
