I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
