I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
