The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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