I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
