She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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