Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
