I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We had to coat check the pizza.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
