you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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