I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He kissed a someone with a penis
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize