Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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