Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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