I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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