he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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