I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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