He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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