Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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