He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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