i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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