New invention idea: vibrating tampons
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
