Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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