and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
